Making things worse …
Many unfair critics of the present UK government say that it is leading us to ruin, and that things could not possibly be worse. They are wrong. There are many policies whose unintended consequences would be worse than the unintended consequences of their present ones. Their manifesto might read as follows:
1. The People’s Sandwich Authority
We shall end the chaos of culinary choice by nationalizing the sandwich. Citizens will proudly eat the Official Cheese & Pickle Sandwich™, subject to a fair and transparent three-week queueing system. Alternative fillings will be classified as discriminatory and colonialism-inspired.
2. The Sunshine Levy
To combat climate unfairness, we shall introduce a windfall tax on sunny days. Every Briton will contribute to the Great Cloud Fund, ensuring access to perpetual drizzle for all.
3. Universal Broadband Hamster Power
Free internet for everyone, powered exclusively by state-provided hamster wheels. In the event of failure caused by tiredness, citizens may revert to semaphore.
4. The People’s Straw
Plastic straws are banned, paper straws are bourgeois, so all Britons will sip their liquids through government-issued steel tubes. Dentistry will henceforth be nationalized to cope with fractures.
5. Universal Basic Queueing
Every citizen has the right to queue, whether for bread, buses, or biscuits. To guarantee fairness, queues for joining queues will also be approved.
6. Pigeon Nationalization Programme
Henceforth, pigeons are comrades of the state. They shall be fed only by licensed crumb-distributors. In return, they will provide patriotic cooing on national holidays.
7. National Bagpipe Curriculum
Every child shall learn the bagpipes. Those who fail to play “Scotland the Brave” by age nine will be required to lead dawn parades until morale improves.
8. Biscuit Equality Act
To combat inequality in snacks, all biscuits shall henceforth be Rich Tea only. Custard creams, bourbons, and chocolate digestives are to be declared “bourgeois confectionary.”
9. Operation Meadow Britain
Lawns are bourgeois wastelands. They will be replaced by wildflower meadows. Bee unions will be recognized, with collective bargaining rights for honey quotas.
10. The Ministry of Banter
To ensure fairness in humour, all jokes shall be submitted to the Ministry for review. Each gag must include at least one reference to potatoes and be equally funny to northerners and southerners.
Our Vision:
Britain shall stride boldly into the future: sandwich in hand, pigeon on shoulder, bagpipe under arm, and a very, very long queue ahead.
The faint-hearts who say that these policies are too silly to happen should look again at the current ones…
Madsen Pirie